The Matted Screen's Top Ten Alternate Christmas Movies!

Well what better way to reboot The Mattedscreen than give to you lovely people my list of the top 10 Alternate Christmas movies! What is an Alternate Christmas movie? Pretty much any horror, sci-fi, comedy or action movie that takes place on or near the holiday and is also slightly inappropriate. A solid litmus test if you're wondering if in fact you are watching an Alternate Christmas movie, ask yourself the following: Does it have Bing Crosby either acting or singing? Does it feature Jimmy Stewart learning a valuable life lesson? Does it feature a plethora of violence, blood hungry monsters, or bullets zipping through the air and embedding themselves in the flesh of nondescript bad guys? If your answers to those questions were “No,” “No,” and “Yes,” you are in fact probably watching an Alternate Christmas movie of questionable family friendliness.

What are my 10 Alternate Christmas Movies? Glad you asked! With no further ado, and in no particular order of rank –

1: Die Hard – YES Die Hard. Big Bruce Willis way back when he had hair and the franchise didn't suck the bottom of a fish tank. This is perhaps my all-time favorite Christmas movie. There's drama, there's action, there's suspense and terror – this movie has it all! Also it is perhaps one of the best written screenplays ever, I kid you not. Just watch it, every bit of dialog or action in the beginning of the movie comes back full circle – the taking off the shoes – he has to run over floor of broken glass. I could go on and on about the awesomeness that is Die Hard but I think I'd lose you so I better get back to it.

2: Batman Returns – No, not the Dark Knight Rises – as much as that movie tried to be as awesome as this one – it just wasn't. No this one has the REAL Batman - Michael Keaton sporting a new Bat-Suit, a car that looks the same but can do a whole lot more, at Bat-Boat along with Danny DeVito as the Penguin, Christopher Walken being Christopher Walken with big spiky white hair, and best of all Michelle Pfeiffer as the best Catwoman to grace the big screen – although Lee Meriweather is still pretty damn amazing 47 years later. You get all these elements and you also have a Christmas movie on top of it! I remember it being intense for kids but then again these days you see parents bringing five year old kids to Man of Steel who seemed to love every minute of the intense mass destruction. So, if your kid is cool seeing an entire city wiped out, your little one can handle this.

3: Black Christmas (1974) – This one should be fairly obvious given that it has “Christmas” in the name, however the tragedy of this title is that most people either A: don't know it exists, or B: they dismiss it entirely or C: they accidentally pick up the shitty remake from 2006 and think they saw the real deal. Either A, B, or C – those are huge mistakes. This little gem from 1974 is a true holiday horror movie classic. Before Halloween, before Friday the 13^th, this was the movie that made the idea of an innocuous, innocent, family-fun holiday terrifying. It features an outstanding cast in Olivia Hussy, Keir Dullea, A pre-Superman Margot Kidder, and the always bad ass awesome John Saxon at the whim of a serial killer that is slowly picking off coeds on a college campus during the titular holiday. Why is this one so scary to me? You never actually “see” the killer! Only his menacing voice over the telephone. Plus it's directed by Bob Clark – yes, that Bob Clark, the director of A Christmas Story!

4: Lethal Weapon – Yes, we have ourselves another action movie that takes place over the Christmas season, only this one beat Die Hard to the screen by a solid year. This tense little buddy-cop actioner features Mel Gibson and Danny Glover in their first outing in what would become their iconic roles as police sergeants Riggs and Murtaugh as they take down a drug smuggling ring in Los Angeles. Directed by Superman: The Movie and The Goonies director Richard Donner, this movie is tense and exciting from scene one and ups the anti when it comes to 80's action films. Not content to simply have our heroes walk into a situation guns blazing, this one takes the time to round out our two heroes exposing their flaws and weaknesses letting us the audience know they're human and at the same time make us care when bad things happen. Also this one was scripted by writer Shane Black who would create an entire sub-genre of action movies that take place over the Christmas holiday including The Long Kiss Goodnight, Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang, and most recently Iron Man 3.

5: Gremlins – This is another fairly obvious pic on the list since just about every child born after 1985 has seen this movie at least once and knows that it takes place over the holiday. However, I stand by it as an alternate Christmas movie since it is so damn violent, creepy, disgusting, and hilarious! Directed by Joe Dante (The Howling) and written by Chris Columbus (Yes, the guy that made Home Alone 1 & 2, and directed the first 2 Harry Potter films!) features cute furry creatures that turn into evil green monsters if you manage to feed them after midnight. The plot tropes aren't important. What is important is that this movie is so dark in places that it kinda sucks your soul out of you while still being insanely funny.

6: Prometheus – Yes, that Prometheus! The pseudo-prequel to Alien is in fact a Christmas movie. While this movie has taken its beatings for its various plot holes and the depiction of its supposedly brilliant scientist characters who make grand leaps of logic and simply look left to find the thing they traveled light years to find – however, I dig it. While not the best sci-fi film ever made, it is one that is made up of big ideas that are too abstract to give a definitive answer to. Personally, I'd rather have a movie that has a lot of big ideas that raises a lot of interesting questions and makes no attempt to answer them than to have a movie that looks pretty but does nothing and is ultimately forgettable. Plus this one also brings director Ridley Scott back to the genre he helped define in Alien and Blade Runner. It's creepy, it's well directed, the effects are awesome, and the use of 3D is incredible! The “Med-Pod” scene alone makes owning a 3D TV set worth the sticker price.

7: The Searchers – While as of this writing I don't recall it actually taking place over Christmas – it covers pretty much every holiday during it's 2 hour run time as it features John Wayne tracking down his kidnapped niece and the renegade Indian Chief Scar who took her. The movie spans several years as Wayne's character Ethan and his 1/8 Indian nephew Martin literally hunt for their missing relative. The passage of time is marked by Ethan and Martin returning home empty handed only to see the people they've left behind grow older and progress without them. This John Ford classic western examines so many themes from the rampant racism of the era to the role of women in the family, to the role of men in the family with a deft touch that you rarely notice the lessons being learned by the characters. And that is perhaps why this movie makes the list. Like such classics as It's A Wonderful Life, this is a movie that features a whole cast of characters who start the movie one way and end it changed for the better. It counts as a Christmas movie in my book – if for no other reason than it gives me another excuse to put this in my blu-ray player.

8: The Brood – This David Cronenberg classic from 1979 might also stretch the “Christmas” theme a bit, but it does take place in the winter and it features one of the most messed up family dynamics put to screen. A father that only wants the best for his daughter is subject to the whim of his insane wife Nola (an incredible Samantha Eggar) and her psychiatrist Dr. Raglan (played by the always awesome Oliver Reed) who is administering a controversial treatment. Oh, also it features murderous mutant children that attack, maim, and murder people under the direction of Nola's subconscious. So there is that. Why does this count in my book as a Christmas movie? Well, sometimes visiting family can be a bit dramatic to say the least. There is the awkwardness of the re-connection and then the airing of grievances by a family member in a drunken stupor. And then there is the cold weather which like this movie, gives the holiday a sense of claustrophobia. So even if you want to get away – you can't!

9: Trading Places – Another comedy classic featuring some of the best work of SNL alums Eddie Murphy and Dan Akroyd is also a Christmas movie! I love this movie. It's still one of the funniest flicks to come out of the 80's. Lines like “Five dollars! Maybe I can go to the movies...by myself.” kill me every time I hear them. What helps this movie along is the fact that other than a handful of scenes, the laughs are for the most part played entirely straight. For those that haven't seen this one, I don't want to go into the plot too much since so many of the laughs hinge on the plot points, but suffice to say, I love this movie and it's one to watch each holiday season! - only maybe not with the little ones!

10: Scrooged – What would Christmas be without a little Dickens? Albeit updated to mid 1980's featuring a deadpan Bill Murray as a callow self absorbed television executive that is trying to produce a Christmas special, but doesn't give a crap about the holiday. This is dark material folks. Few get the humor in a movie this dark, and maybe it's telling of my sensibilities since I saw this as a child and thought it was funny as hell. In addition to Murray, we get fantastic performances from Karen Allen, John Forsythe, John Glover, Robert Mitchum, and Bobcat Goldthwait. There really isn't much point in going into the plot since it is “A Christmas Carol” only updated and made to work for 1980's yuppie excess culture. So if you like your satire subtle – this is the one to watch!

That is it ladies, gents, and germs! Sorry I've been away from you all for so long – I got really busy with the new job editing movies and writing press releases, but I'm hoping to get back to a regular thing with this. Probably not daily, but weekly should be possible! Go slow out there, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays!

Tuesday 8/20

Whoa, so that's what a productive day at work feels like!

Well one day down, and who knows how long to go! - I mean that in a good way. It's been a blast so far and I'm really excited about all of the things I'm going to learn with this job, which is pretty damn awesome! So far I got a couple of voice overs, videos, and press releases under my belt, while not being a lot, that does mean my nasally voice is out there on the interwebs for all to enjoy!




 

Book Talk

With all this job stuff going on; where does that leave me with my novel? Well the quick answer to that is stuck in the mud. For the moment. after I am done with this post I fully intend to work out a schedule so that each day, if it's even for just a half an hour or an hour, I'll be able to keep plugging away at things! So yeah there is that.

Holy Man of Steel Special Edition Batman!

Well with a looming November 12th release date ahead of us, it was only a matter of time before we got the wild and crazy editions with full extras lists for this summer's Superman reboot Man of Steel. I was cool with the movie - I didn't think it was the greatest thing, I liked what the filmmakers went for in spite of feeling that they really needed to have edited down the back half of the movie and boosted the front end. But none the less, here are all the different editions to whet your whistle!

Here is your super deluxe awesome edition with all the same features just in a shiny shelf space eating case!

 Next are your typical 2D Blu-ray with digital copy and all that, and then next to that is the 3D edition. The difference between the two? One is in 3D! Otherwise everything is the same. Even in the super deluxe awesome edition. So unless you want a big S on your shelf that big set might be a pass

While there are all sorts of crazy cool extras - there are NONE of the reported hour+ deleted scenes to be found  in ANY of these official releases or an any of the retail exclusives that are sure to come bounding out soon. That means, yes, what ever "director's cut" there may be of this - wont come out for at least a year and then probably not before 2015's Superman Does Batman or whatever the hell they're calling it. So yeah long wait for the inevitable double dip!

Not a whole hell of a lot of other news going on. The Expendables 3 just started filming yesterday, So next summer we get to enjoy Stallone, Schwarzenegger, and Harrison Ford beating up a bunch of minions sent out by Mel Gibson! So that might actually be fun, the first two movies were ok, second was better than the first so that's at least a progressive trend. Maybe the third movie will live up to all the promised potential?

So with that Dear Readers, this is it for today unless something earth shattering happens! - So remember breaking wind in a hot tub full of other people is tantamount to murder. It's an evil thing to do. And yes there are bubbles, but that doesn't mean everyone isn't going to know it's you.

Monday 8/19

Well is there was ever a case of the Mondays...

Well folks, I am calling today my first real day of my new gig! Pretty damn exciting but also seems to be starting on a bit of an ominous note. At 5:30 morning, a motorcyclist was killed not far from our apartment when he apparently ran a red light and slammed into a crossing RTD bus! Amazingly enough if I still had my old job, chances are I would have been on that bus! Sad to hear about the death of the rider- but at the same time folks, it's a good idea to pay attention to those traffic signals and the GIGANTIC silver turd shaped vehicles on wheels. To cap that off I am also recovering from one hell of a migraine that started last night and continues to punish my head at this very moment!

Now about this gig I'm on. So far, this is going to be AWESOME! I get to write press released and copy, I get to edit videos, and starting today - I get to ad Voice Over Talent to my resume! Well... I get to do Voice Overs if the emergency vehicles would stop using the normally quite road I live off of as a through way. Seriously, WTF is going on around here? There are so many accidents. I literally heard one hardly half a block from my place not 20 minutes ago and the subsequent argument from the drivers involved. While I couldn't quite get a solid read on what they were saying, from the tone and inflection it probably had to do which one had the bigger dick and which one had a smaller inadequate one. Problem is when both parties are speeding through a 20mph zone - it doesn't matter who hit whom - they're both dicks! And while I'm glad they didn't seem to have gotten hurt, I am very glad to report their cars are wrecked! Yes I am a spiteful bastard sometimes. But this was a dream scenario - no one got hurt, both dudes were on their feet talking to officers, as their penises on wheels got towed to the junk heap. MAYBE they won't drive like assholes down my quiet neighborhood street where children play and puppies bound about and grass grows? ...somehow I doubt it. So at the very least I hope their premiums spike BIG TIME!

That said, I've zipped through a couple press releases for a charity group that helps pair up a person with disabilities with a runner that would push/carry that person through the race and across the finish line! Seriously - this has been a great morning for meaningful writing. This sounds like a pretty awesome charity to support. They're called myTeamTriumph and they have chapters throughout the country - so if you're a person of athletic prowess consider dropping by their website and see if there isn't a race in your area you might be able to donate your time or some funds to. 

With that I also have a couple more Press Releases to do - which is awesome because before now my press release experience has been pretty much nonexistent. Not that I never did one, just that in classic writer fashion, everything that I wrote that was awesome and exciting got rewritten to the point that it wasn't even my work anymore. So it's really cool to know that out there in there in the interwebs will be a bunch of sites I can link to that will showcase my exceptional command of the English language and how I can butcher it like a cow.

Well that is pretty much all I got for you. I didn't go see Kick Ass 2 this weekend, didn't hear much in the way of anything good about it and to be quite honest, I aint a big fan of rape humor in any context so yeah - skipping that one. With that, remember Dear Readers, if you're driving down my road at high speeds, be warned I have set up a series of booby traps and obstacles that are designed to utterly ruin your $40k SUV while leaving you uninjured! - Happy motoring! Be SAFE out there for God's sake!
  

Thursday 8/15

AHHHHHHHH! I'm back to work! AHHHHHHHHH!

Today is going to be a wild and crazy day. Thankfully got plenty of rest because I'm gonna need it! Not only do I start my new gig - of which I have to do much researching and planning before I can get going on my first projects but I'll keep you posted on that - but tonight is also Rifftrax Live: Starship Troopers! The moment all the fans in the world have been waiting for! The product of a Kickstarter campaign - of which my wife and I contributed to - this is a one night only event - and sadly due to the home video department at Sony Pictures - they will not be able to sell a VOD or DVD of this event like they usually get to. That means dear readers if you want your head to explode from too much laughing - you gotta go TONIGHT!

You can search your area for tickets at the FATHOM MOVIES SITE. I really hope that if enough people go to this thing tonight, the money crunchers at Sony will see that there is a market for a release of this version! - Hell they could do a 2 pack anniversary edition with the real movie and the Rifftrax Live edition - I would be TOTALLY cool paying a premium. I kind of like the movie still and it desperately needs a new HD transfer as it is. Come on Sony - Do the RIGHT THING!

I hope someday a version of this image will grace the box art of a DVD or a Blu-ray on my shelf.

Well because I really do have to get going on this - I have to leave you for the day. Be good out there dear readers and remember - make your dreams happen, they're not going to happen without you. So if you expect to be the best pole dancer it takes practice, practice, practice!

Tuesday 8/13

Wait - Does this mean I have to get pretty every morning now?

Life is a funny thing and you have to just roll with the punches. Or if you're like Rocky; get punched in the face a whole lot before you get angry enough to hit Clubber Lang back. OR let Apollo Creed get mashed like a potato in the ring by the big Russian before you get pissed off enough to go to Siberia to train in the mountains before jumping back into the ring yourself. Point is when life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice in the open wounds, let the sting surge the adrenaline before you get back into the fight and hit back harder than before. The only way you lose in life is if you give up - and I'm glad to say my efforts are paying off!





Talk About One Hell of a Day!

To start the ball rolling - lets talk book. Well it keeps trudging along, I think the greatest lesson I re-learned in this process is that writing a novel is not at all like writing a screenplay - even if the novel is based off of a screenplay you've already written! This is a much longer more involved creative process than I anticipated but I'm loving every moment of it. Writing a novel is like directing a movie in your head, you have to get all the blocking, staging, set design, script, and casting done in your brain before you really can get the camera rolling - in this case the camera is my fingertips on the keyboard but you get the metaphor. As I skip along the pages in my screenplay - adapting them one at a time - I get to reevaluate each character interaction, wording, and sequence of events and it is one hell of a great ride. While I might not finish this thing to any specific deadline I still complete 3-4 average book pages a day; that's about 1200-1500 words. That is not the obscene pace I set during NanoWriMo of 3000+ but then I'm not writing absurd long winded dialog to fill out the word count! I want this one to be good! The challenge I have for myself come November is to actually write a good book I can self publish for NanoWriMo!

Next - I have to give a HUGE shout out to all the great readers I have in the greater United States, Canada, Russia, Mexico, Australia, Argentina, Brazil, Israel, Hungary, The UK, Germany, Spain and Italy! At least a dozen or more from each country are reading regularly and because of your activity I hit a huge jump in ad revenue! And by huge I don't mean like Gold Rush money, I mean I can take my wife to a matinee movie and not buy popcorn - but still, it counts! So with that, Thank you all for reading! I know I haven't been as consistent as I was when this thing got rolling along, that is a large part in not wanting each post to be stale and wanting to maintain my pace for my book. And now there is a new wrinkle that might delay posts from time to time.

I have got myself a part time contract gig! That's right dear readers - I can now afford at least one of those amazing toys I keep posting about! Well... maybe I should pay down my credit card some - but you get the idea! It is part time, which is fine because from the sound of things 99% of the affair will be telecommute -  so now I get to write off the square footage of my workstation, a portion of my internet costs, and my electric bill from my taxes! Which - once I get my novels selling I can do anyway - but still cool eh? I may not get to go to as many movies and write as many reviews for ya'all but since this summer was kind of a bummer overall -  is that really so bad? But now that I am sorta employed I feel like I need to look my best each day -  and I can't shake this scene from my head for some reason.

 Thankfully in my case though I only need to get a haircut and maybe wash some clothes. 

Well that is pretty much all I have for you at this moment in time. Not a whole hell of a lot of interesting stuff going on other than the above listed. Sure I could post the latest Thor 2 trailer -  which is awesome - but I'll let you suss that one out for yourself! Besides with tomorrow being a pretty hectic day - I gotta get as much novel writing time in as I can - shooting for 2500-3000 words! Be good Dear Readers and remember, when life gives you lemons, skin the lemons, squeeze the juice add an appropriate amount of pectin and sugar, make a nice flaky crust, whip some egg whites and sugar until your arm falls off, set your oven to 350 and make a lemon meringue pie - way better than lemonade!  

Monday 8/12

The only thing lawmakers should really criminalize is waking up before 6:am - There's something Psychotic about that!

Ever have such a long, fun, and relaxing weekend that it just seems to go on and on forever and then when you wake up on Monday morning, you doubt it's actually Monday? Yeah that's pretty much sums up the first 25 minutes of my day. Didn't help that I kept forgetting if I put brown sugar in my oatmeal and then grabbing the bag of sugar from the cupboard and then realizing I had, then poured myself a cup of tea, and in that space of 15 seconds forgot all over again if I put brown sugar in my oatmeal and repeated the process again only to realize I did. The other way to tell if I've woken up way too early to be functional are the two paragraph length run-on sentences above.



Anyway!

Yeah a crap ton has been going on since I left you all those many days ago that required more attention of me than I was willing to give to this blog i.e. I rediscovered the awesomeness that is Red Dead Redemption. Not really...well... not entirely. While I freely admit to firing up that classic game and getting stuck in Zombie mode again, truth of the matter is I got a lot more writing done, and spent a fair amount of time trying to navigate the changing landscape of our weekend plans. Some family was to come out here while my brother in law rode in the Leadville 100 mile cycle race (he finished at 10:04 - that's 10hours 4 minutes! - Way to go Bro!) Sadly other members got sick and weren't able to make it out. Then to cap that off, we had Tommy Wiseau in town!

The Man, The Legend, The Wiseau

You read that right good folks - the brilliant mind behind The Room was here in Denver along with cohort and partner in crime Greg Sestero( I love that I typed as far as "Greg S" into Google before it auto completed the spelling for me! Proves A: I'm not the only one that can't spell it, and B: He's so awesome Google knows his name!) - at first my wife and I were pretty certain we wouldn't make it to the show. Then things started changing and it proved we could! Only the night kept changing on us - so at one point we literally had 4 tickets for this thing. Even if we couldn't get a refund for the other pair and had to go BOTH nights, it would have totally been worth it!

Oh yeah! That's right we got to meet Tommy and Greg! BTW blog world - meet the pretty blonde lady in the middle, that's my wife Mary sporting her "You're Tearing Me Apart Lisa!" T-Shirt I got her for Valentine's Day! Also awesome - sadly no photographic evidence exists to prove it - but I was the first person Tommy shook hands with when he got out of the car! But it was a great experience, we scored an official "The Room" mini football that Tommy and Greg signed, and the Johnny talking bobble head. Tommy was awesome, really worked the crowd, very friendly and cool. Greg was a nice pleasant calm normality by comparison and I think he was more than a little surprised at the turnout for this thing.
People came out in costume! There were Johnnys, there were Lisas, there were Marks, and more than a few guys in Tuxedos! I think Greg and Tommy were genuinely surprised at how big this movie was in Denver. I overheard Greg ask people at random times if they'd seen the movie before and the look of surprise when they'd say 4, 5, or more was great! While we were standing in line, my wife and I tried to figure out how many times we'd seen this movie, specifically at the Esquire, and now after Friday night's show - we figure it has to be at least 7 if not 8 times! And every time we've gone the crowd in the upstairs theater is always a fun rowdy bunch and is a major part of why we love living in Denver. That said I was even a little worried about the turn out. I mean I figured it would do pretty good that first night but two nights? At our screening and I hear it happened the second night as well, the main floor 400 seat theater sold out, and they moved the spillover to the top theater! I also heard that many people went to both nights! While these guys tour around and do their thing, I hope they find time to drop by our way again. Hats off to the great staff at The Landmark Esquire Theatre for getting these guys to come out! If you're wanting to see one of the greatest cinematic events but want to do it right and see Tommy and Greg too - check out The Room website - they list all of the tour dates as well as all the crazy stuff you can buy. In addition to goofy The Room stuff, Tommy has his own clothing line including leather belts, and yes - even underwear apparently is on the way! I've ordered from the site before, very easy, and if you ask, Tommy will personally sign anything you want in your order - this might delay its shipping a little, but it will get to you!

Now for a little nice Personal musings!

In addition to all the cool stuff that happened Friday night - Sunday was 6 years to the day that I met this wonderful lady: 

Today is also 6 years after our first date! It's pretty amazing how something like that can sneak up on you. We woke up Saturday morning and were like "Oh shit! The 11th is tomorrow!" 6 years, when you say it like that, doesn't seem that long in compared to how ling it feels. We've been through so much together in that time, it feels more like 12 instead of six - in all the best ways. Life is a funny adventure, the day before I met her I told everyone I knew, family, friends, and coworkers, that I was going to be moving to L.A. after the holiday shopping season. I wasn't enjoying Chicago at the time, real steady work was hard to come by being fresh out of college and I was ready for a change. Just didn't expect the best thing to ever happen to me would come walking into the video store I worked at looking for a copy of Manhattan! Life is full of great moments like this and I'm glad I get to share mine with this great lady. Love you tons Mary! You're the reason I try to make each day a little better than the last one.


And with that, Dear Readers, I will leave you for the day. And Remember taking your dog to poo in your yard is not composting, it only counts if you go in the same spot too.

Wednesday 8/7

Blerg... I write "Blerg" because it's before 6am and I have no idea what to title this thing



It's days like this that I wish I was still a small child, not like a preschooler or a first grader, I want to be old enough that I can still play violent video games and watch R rated movies, but all I want to do is sleep in as late as I want! Is that so much to ask? Why is it when you're a child you have this perception that when you're an adult you're free to do anything, but then when you grow up you come to learn it's the exact opposite? It's one big cosmic joke! Right now if I was 12 years old, I would be on summer break and still asleep!





First World Problems

For those of you that have been regular readers, you've no doubt noticed I am more than a bit movie obsessed. If you're just joining us, My name is Matt(hello Matt!) and I am a Movie-ahholic. I'm not sure when it began, maybe it was when I was a kid and I had to cut out advertisements from the paper to go to the movies. Or maybe it was the local Mom&Pop video store that let me endlessly rent Conan The Barbarian, but somewhere down the line it got into my blood, took hold of my bones, and never let go. Because I love movies, I am addicted to collecting them. From laserdiscs, to DVD, to Blu-ray, my collection spans all genres and totals north of 2000- I'm guessing, it's too early to count but I have a lot!

As such, when I got a smartphone, the idea of digital copies of movies perked my interests. I had dozens of Blu-rays that came with a free Digital Copy through iTunes or Ultra Violet so I had a blast going through them all and entering the activation codes, but in the process I discovered a few things about the different apps and services that can help you manage your collection: Best Buy's CinemaNow, Wal Mart's Vudu, and Flixter give you FREE MOVIES for signing up! That's right. While you don't have much say in what they give you, most of what I got were kind of crap, but hey -they were FREE. As such I also learned something cool about Flixter and Vudu - they offer a disc-to-digital service where for a couple of bucks you can backup your collection online. Now here's the kicker - Flixter gives you a 5 Movie Free Trial and  Vudu gives you one too! So that's SIX movies that I can backup in the cloud and carry with me everywhere I go! You'd think this would be an easy task, choosing 6 movies that I get to have at my disposal any time I want, but you'd be wrong! This is a HARD problem! A first world problem without a doubt, but still a problem!

So this calls to mind a tough scenario, if you were stranded on a deserted island with great wi-fi and unlimited power for your phone, what 6 movies would you want to have with you? So essentially I have to pick my top 5 movies with one alternate. So here is my list of movies I would want with me on a deserted island. Mind you, this is not a list of movies that I would deem of a superior quality to any and all others, no, this is a list of movies I can watch over and over again and would help keep me sane better than a volleyball with a face painted in my blood. - also this list is dictated by available titles - I don't get to choose exactly whatever movie I want.



1: The Godfather  - This is one of the few movies I would dare say is perfect. It also happens to be one of those movies I can watch endlessly and never get tired of. Similar titles would include L.A. Confidential, Rocky, and Miller's Crossing to name only a few. Rocky sadly isn't a title on the list, and then I don't want a bunch of period movies - as good as they are - I want a diverse range of entertainment. So The Godfather wins out.







2: Rio Bravo - I have to have a western, so I choose this one. I know there are hundreds of fantastic examples to choose from including any of The Man With No Name trilogy, Unforgiven, The Searchers, Broken Arrow, Stagecoach, The Professionals - It's just too hard a list to narrow down, so I am picking Rio Bravo not necessarily because it is the best but because it is incredibly entertaining, a highlight of the John Wayne archive, and is an all around good time. If I'm stuck living life under a palm tree, this is the kind of movie I'd enjoy on a hot day drinking coconut milk while cooking crab legs - oh yeah there are crabs on my island!

 

3: Cliffhanger -  I clearly stated before starting this list that these movies were going to be meant to entertain me! Despite the awesomeness that is Rocky IV, or the sci-fi cheese that is Demolition Man, Cliffhanger wins big when it comes to repeat viewings of any Stallone movie. Now I would normally consider an Arnold movie for this or the first Rambo movie First Blood, but sadly there are next to nil Arnold movies on the list and the only Rambo title is the 4th one, which I already have on digital copy! Besides if Cliffhanger is such a bad movie, then why did Christopher Nolan rip off the heist scene and use it in The Dark Knight Rises? Because Cliffhanger is awesome!


4: The Exorcist - As you no doubt know, I love a good horror movie. This being perhaps my favorite genre it is next to impossible to narrow it down to just one. Do I go for terror? Gore? Suspense? Or do I aim lite and find a nice Horror-Comedy? In the face of all the great slasher movies, of all the great serial killers, of all the creepy deadly monsters, I chose to go big. The Exorcist is one of those rare cases where I can watch it over and over and still get creeped out by it. The Friday the 13th and Halloween movies have their places in my heart, so does Night of the Living Dead but for this one, like The Godfather I am hampered by title availability as well as a need to have the best of the best. Plus RawHead Rex isn't available.


5: Ghostbusters - I need a comedy, but not just a simple comedy either. I could have chosen Spies Like Us, or Trading Places, or even Caddyshack and believe me it was hard not to chose that last one, but I feel like the subtlety of Ghostbusters with all the dry humor and physical comedy on top of some good spooks and the fun story make it something special.Bill Murray is always a plus and I feel with Caddyshack that after awhile I would just zip to his scenes anyway, so why not chose a movie he's in 99% of every scene? Plus I didn't spot any Marx Brothers movies or any of the greats from Woody Allen on the lists.


6: Alien - This last spot was really, really hard to select. A: I wanted sci-fi, but then I wanted something suspenseful, so that canceled out Blade Runner. Sadly Escape from New York isn't an available title so John Carpenter doesn't get represented on this list as he should be. Then B: in keeping with fun and suspense I was going to pick The Birds because I wanted a Hitchcock movie in there but since I already have a contemporary horror title with The Exorcist I felt the sci-fi aspect of Alien should win out. And C: in spite of a lot of popular opinion, I fully believe Alien to be a superior film to Aliens. The sequel is a lot of fun, and is really well done, but not nearly as scary or atmospheric as the original.




Well there you have it folks, the 6 movies I would take with me to a deserted island. Mind you, I am technologically adept at creating copies of virtually every movie I own and storing them on my phone, so if the situation ever did arise, I would be more than capable of enjoying most if not all of the honorable mentions. But for those of you interested, hop on over to CinemaNow, Flixter, and Vudo to claim your free movies. Joining is FREE so even if you don't have a smartphone, you can claim your free movies and watch them off your laptop or PC, and if you don't have a laptop or a PC, I have to commend you for being able to read this blog at all!

And with that Dear Readers, just in case you do end up on a deserted island, be prepared. At all times you should carry 10 rolls of toilet paper, 10 bags of beef jerky, 52 Hershey bars, a portable water purifier, 4 bottles of Kentucky bourbon, and a Sudoku book with waterproof pen. Toilet paper should be pretty obvious, but it's also flammable so while you're trying to rub two sticks together it'll catch fast. Since it's going to be awhile before you get a fire and can cook the crabs running around the beach, you can eat the jerky, and as part of any good diet plan you should treat yourself once a week with a candy bar. Water Purifier because it's not always going to rain, the bourbon to celebrate special occasions and to flavor any meat you get, and the Sudoku book so you keep your brain sharp and whits about you. This may seem like a lot to carry on your person at all times, but believe me, you'll thank me when the time comes!

Monday 8/5

Why is waking up on a Monday morning just as hard when you're unemployed?


Sometimes it isn't the best idea to go to bed right after taking a shower. Old timers used to say a wet head at night was a sure way to get sick - I don't know if they actually said that but it sounds like solid advice. The other travesty that can occur is bed head, a hair style so horrid you dare not show your face in a public setting. Now in my case, I just so happened to wake up looking like David Lynch - and you know what, it's a pretty rocking good look! I get why that dude keeps his hair that way, it cuts a nice jib my friends. Sadly.... the shower ruined everything, now I just look like me again. For a moment I was cool, for a moment I looked awesome.



WHAT TO REPORT?

Well since it's Monday and pretty much zilch happened over the weekend beyond me and my wife watching about a dozen old "Joel" episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000 - not a whole hell of a lot is going on around these here parts. I've got a new writing schedule in place now after I had to do so much backtracking so that's exciting! - If I keep to about 1500 and 2500 words a day I should hit my goal to have a solid first draft ready to edit by the end of the month - or sooner! I'm waiting for inspiration to hit me over the head for my next Epic Trailer - some good ideas but nothing rock solid enough to make it worth my time or yours for that matter. I did get hit by a thunderbolt of a great story over the weekend for a western! Yeah I don't want to give too much away but I am really excited about it. But it also means I am going to have to do a shit ton of research about old steam engine trains - which I am not excited about. I hate research. I want the damn thing to be nuclear powered that way I don't have to actually learn about anything new - I can just make shit up and have it sound legit! It's why I write fiction, I am a lazy lazy person when it gets to the down and dirty of it all. So yeah, the nutshell of what I'm getting at here is that my posts may yet again become infrequent because I will be trying my damnedest to get through the current story I'm on so I can barrel into this new story I've cooked up! I'm excited -  so you should be too!

POSTER ART!

Photoshop will have it's REVENGE!!!! And apparently its target is Thor: The Dark World. Since I didn't really have much of a topic to shout about today I'm pulling up some new art to critique. To be upfront and honest I have ZERO experience with photoshop. I played around with aftereffects and a few other Adobe progs in my days in film school - so I feel bad railing about a skill I don't have but some of these posters are really bad! In a point counter point example I'll show you the first Thor 2 poster - while it is virtually 100% photoshopped, it isn't that bad!

Not bad! Not bad at all! It's to the point, it lets us know our favorite blonde bearded wonder god with a hammer is back! And from the amount of grit and debris flying about - shit is going down! Cool! I'm game. But wait, what's this?

Let's see there's one, two, three... I count TEN characters in this damn thing not counting the evil elf army at the bottom - counting them individually and you've got like 1000! I hate... no I LOATH floating head posters, and this has got to be far and away one of the worst ones I have ever seen. Why do they do this? What marketing department guy sits down, looks at a wide variety of proof sheets and says "This one! The one that has a million faces on it and loads of random shit everywhere! That's the one I want to showcase in theaters across the nation!" It sucks on toast when you consider custom art is being commissioned on behalf of the movie for special appearances and conventions like this trio of posters from the always awesome Olly Moss:

Each character gets their own poster, it's to the point, it looks awesome! No floating heads to be found here! I look forward to the day that photoshop just up and explodes spewing the floating head posters into oblivion where they will never be found again!

Speaking of posters I would be doing you a wrong if I didn't slip up the latest poster for Riddick the more I see of this movie it looks like a solid bit of fun. I'm glad they appear to have scaled things back to the Pitch Black days. Plus this poster just looks bad ass. It's subtle, it's too the point, it suggests our lead character is a tough SOB.

Not expecting Oscar caliber performances out of this or anything, just good old fashioned tough guy sci-fi violence and monsters! Which - judging by the trailers - its aiming to deliver the goods.

Well that is that folks! I gotta get to the coffee shop and start writing while I wait for the Library to open so I can start reading about Trains! Go slow out there and remember Dear Readers - if you're camping out in the wilderness anytime during these last few weeks of summer, make sure that's not poison ivy you're trying to wipe with. Imagine trying to give a speech or read a statement to the board or just even ride the bus to work with one hand down the backside of your pants violently scratching? Needless to say at that point the poison ivy would be the least of your problems. Do yourself a solid and look before you squat.

The Wolverine Review

Well It's a Whole Lot Better than X-Men Origins: Wolverine!

Going into this movie I was kind of nervous about the whole thing. The Superhero offerings this summer haven't been the best of the bunch, and the last time we got to see Hugh Jackman don the razor claws - it was a pretty awful movie going experience. I am glad to say, this movie wipes all the worry for the future of the X-Men franchise away.

Rather than go BIG and LOUD with this one, Director James Mangold takes the opposite approach bringing a quieter more world-weary version of our favorite angry Canadian to the screen. Picking up after the events of X3: The Last Stand - Logan is haunted by visions of his love, Jean, whom he had to kill in the heat of battle. Since then he has become a total recluse, living in the wilds, listing to the radio while getting drunk and making friends with the local wildlife. While confronting some hunters who illegally killed a bear for sport, he meets Yukio, a fellow mutant with the ability to see the deaths of anyone she meets. She's also pretty handy with a sword. She has been tasked with finding The Wolverine and taking him back to Tokyo to meet a man whose life he saved 70 years earlier during the bombing of Nagasaki.



In the intervening years the young solder he saved has become a wealthy brilliant industrialist with dreams of immortality of his own. It is here that he gives Logan an offer he is hard pressed to refuse - a meaningful death. Since Logan is pushing 200 years old by this point, a natural death is a long time off and with his recent visions - death would actually be a welcome respite. Of course the plot can't be that simple. Something has to go wrong. The industrialist's granddaughter heir-to-be Mariko, is almost assassinated and Logan is poisoned weakening him to the point where his ability to heal is restrained. In order to save the girl's life and his own, Logan must unravel the mystery that he has unwittingly found himself in. This path sets him on a journey of discovering his own self worth and gives him an unexpected reason to keep living.

This entry into the franchise is by far and away the most quiet and somber entry in the entire series. Mangold wisely takes the movie and plays it closer to something along the lines of a Sergio Leone Spaghetti Western than a mutant comic book action fest. That isn't to suggest there isn't any action to be had, there is plenty of that. The action this time is a bit more bolted to the ground than in previous installments. The camera work is close and intimate - a bit too wobbly maybe so take your Dramamine - coupled with the plot that Logan can't heal, the action feel much more urgent and in your face than ever before. It feels like there is something at stake. Each gunshot or slice from a Samurai sword gives the audience something to worry about for our favorite hero. He isn't the same unstoppable machine he once was.

While I fully enjoyed this entry and liked the direction it took; that isn't to say this is a perfect movie. Far from it I am afraid. While I loved most of the movie, it's faults are pretty glaring. For one, the script is just a tad bit too predictable. The symbolism and metaphors established early on repeat throughout and it isn't hard to keep about a hundred yards ahead of the plot. Also there is a rather egregious case of over casting that should have been resolved between the characters of Yukio and Mariko played very well by Rila Fukushima and Tao Okamoto respectively. While these actresses were great in their rolls, there is no reason for these characters to be separate individuals. So much of the movie is setup by Logan establishing a relationship and rapport with Yukio that it is incredibly jarring when Logan runs off with Mariko and starts the process all over again.

On top of that you have the visions of Jean Grey, brought back to life again by the always great Famke Janssen. It makes sense to me for her to be there, but unless you're well versed in the X-Men movie universe, you might be more than a little bit confused. The device works well to highlight the ever changing mental state of Logan, but maybe used a tad more sparingly, it might have helped it resonate.

Then you have the terribly underused Svetlana Khodchenkova as the mutant Viper who holds the secretes to Logan's vulnerability. She only has a handful of scenes and doesn't get a chance to play her evil character to the full "Jame Bond Villain" level she should have been. She's smart, she's a sexy, lethal Femme Fatale - but you'd never know with the 10 minutes of screen time she's given.  Considering she can shed her skin, has a snake tongue, and spits acid - you'd think the filmmakers would have showcased that a lot more. And then there is the ultimate villain himself The Silver Samurai. I can't get into his usage without going too far into the spoiler territories for comfort, but I will say it's not a surprising reveal nor is it well executed - a different approach might have kept the grounded nature in check rather than spiraling out into typical superhero fare.

That isn't to say this movie is a total failure either. By in no ways is it that. It is probably the most mature of the X-Men movies released thus far. The characters feel real and tangible without this fantasy superhero veil hanging over it. The movie does have this feeling of being a bit edited. The action, themes, dialog - all feel like this was made to be rated R but then was cut back to a PG-13. The world created by Mangold feels very real and current day and it serves as a welcomed change of scenery for our hero - I just wish there was more of it! By the end of the movie Logan is a changed man both physically and mentally than when we found him at the start. Perhaps another draft of the script could have helped iron out the few trouble spots in our adventure. 2D or 3D doesn't really matter here either, I caught it 3D and while the train fight and a few other moments were quite well done, it didn't make an impact on the experience as a whole to warrant it. But what this movie does well is sponge away the dirty stain left from X-Men Origins: Wolverine and most of the damage done by X3: The Last Stand. Be sure to stick around to the mid-credits for a tantalizing look at X-Men: Days of Future Past due out next summer! Is is worth seeing in theaters? Maybe not, but it is worth seeing, so don't let it slip past your radar for too long!

In the End: 6/10 Not perfect but far and away better than the last couple Wolverine adventures.

Friday 8/2

DDSDM - Different Day Same Damn Migraine

I know I previously described a migraine as if having the chestburster from Alien popping out of your head. Well, after day 3 of the same damn headache I am going to revise that statement: Getting a migraine actually feels more like your head is trying to give birth to your brain through your eye socket but your eyeball refuses to get out of the way... hell of a picture aint it?  Since virtually all of my migraines are weather and air pressure related, it makes the alternating thunderstorms we're having real fun! Coupled with the lack of sleep - today is going to be a LONG day. But I've got a lot of writing to do -book, blog, movie review so I WONT LET IT STOP ME NOW! - is that the weirdest segue to the main topic of the day you've ever read? Maybe I should put it in context. Enjoy some Queen everyone!

Alright, I know that song came out in like 79 - but that is almost the 80's and what defines the 80's better than some good old U.S. Russia Tensions? Go with me on this one. I didn't really have a topic to speak of for today and I didn't want to just repost the same old news that other sites already reported with my usual amount of wit and sarcasm. Plus a friend posted on Facebook about how the upcoming Russia hosted Olympics are steadily turning into a clusterF%^) - then you get the whole Snowden thing and their anti gay rights stance and BAM! - We're right back where we were 30 years ago; well minus the nuclear arms race and Reagan telling Gorbachev to take down his big concrete yard accessory. But what we did get in the 80's was a whole lot of butch manly action movies in the "US versus THEM" genre to get our red white and blue patriotic blood pumping. So with that, what better way to spend a Friday wasting time at work than watching awesome 80's action movie trailers? I'm gonna be fast and loose with these - not all of them will be Russians, Central America had its share of vague Communist bad guys in those days too - So without further ado, I get this trailer-athon going with RED DAWN!

I gotta say, I have more than a bit of love for this movie. It was one of the very few movies I was ever told by my Mom that I couldn't rent. So when it hit broadcast TV and she couldn't stop me since its content was edited for TV,  I ate it up! As a result I was kind of offended at the idea of a remake - I shouldn't have been, I was bored to sleep by that movie - but it's only fitting that it gets first billing. Plus it has Swayze and Sheen and one of the Corey's - It's tough to get any more American than that!

Well, that is until you check out Rambo III!

I know I could have used Rambo: First Blood Part II in here but come on? He only goes back to Viet Nam in that one and rescues a few POW's - in Rambo III he kicks the Russians out of Afghanistan single handed! Sure the Taliban rides in on their horses at the end and take out the tanks but Rambo blows up 2 huge helicopters all by himself with a bow and arrow and blue glow sticks in a cave!- that has to count for something!

You can't go full 'Merica without a little Chuck Norris action! Missing in Action that is!

 This movie is basically Rambo: First Blood Part II just without the budget. It's still fun and it spawned 2 sequels. Most of Norris' movies are actually pretty hard to sit through and take seriously, so the grand daddy of his collection has got to be:

Invasion U.S.A.

So yeah, this movie is somehow -still to this day- one of the best selling home video releases of all time! Not kidding, it's like third or forth on the list. Something like 1 in every 6 Americans owns a copy of this movie... I just so happen to have it on Laserdisc! About 90% of the action of this movie is relegated to a single city block in Miami - not the front steps of the Capital in Washington D.C. as depicted on the box art. But that's okay because Norris strides into fights with two Uzi's and he has a pet armadillo!

What better way to showcase how much more awesome America was in the 80's than show one of their own desire to defect in The Hunt for Red October!

I know this came out in 1990 - but the book was written in the mid 80's and it was filmed between 88 and 89 so it still counts! Plus it was immediately banned in Russia for fairly obvious reasons I think. But still, where else are you going to find a bad ass Sean Connery playing a Russian sub commander try and steal a top of the line Submarine and give it to the US as a peace token? No where!

How hasn't Eastwood made this list sooner? I give you Firefox!

This is a movie where Eastwood is recruited to infiltrate a Russian secrete military base and fly out their prototype sonic super jet that you control with your mind! I know I made it sounds kinda dumb but it's actually a hoot and you can tell Our Man Clint is enjoying the hell out of himself.

Maybe because he was from Austria and that is a border country to the Soviet Union, our dear friend Arnold Schwarzenegger never really got into the whole US VS Russians genre. But he did blow up a TON of Central American Communists that were threatening to overthrow the democratically elected President of some fictitious country in Commando!

Not only is this one of Arnold's best movies, it also features that great steel drum music score that made every 80's action movie sound like it was filmed in the Caribbean! That and Arnold entered the God Mode cheat code and has an unending supply of bullets, grenades, rockets, and knives, and bombs to blow up an entire army of bad guys all on his own! Sure there is a whole plot involving how the Commies are threatening to kill his kidnapped daughter. That's just the window dressing, I got a feeling Arnold would have blown these guys up regardless.

Another late 80's 1990 entry that can't go without being mentioned is Die Hard 2: Die Harder!

This time it's a battalion of rogue US Soldiers looking to stab our great country in the back by releasing a deposed communist dictator! To make the threat even more real, they're pulling this stunt on our most sacred of holidays - no not July 4th - Christmas! Those Bastards! Thankfully we have Bruce Willis and his receding hairline and super NYPD/LAPD skills to put an end to the terrorists' evil plot!

To end this post I have to give you what is perhaps the mother of all US versus THEM movies, the peak of the genre comes to us again by way of Sly Stallone with Rocky IV

After the Russian fighter kills Apollo Creed in the ring, Rocky travels to Jackson Hole Wyoming -er...I mean Siberia to train for the fight of his life. The whole theme "Us versus Them" is even outright stated on more than one occasion, but then we get Rocky preaching us a lesson that if he can change maybe we all can change as the Russian people chant his name to victory! Toss in around 4 or 5 music video montages inside of 20 minutes showcasing Stallone pulling a sled in the snow while the Russian fighter Ivan Drago gets steroid injections and you have the most entertaining entry in the Rocky Franchise and quite possibly the best of the 80's U.S. VS Russia action sub-genre!

While the staple of the Evil Russians invading the US and ruining the youth of America has been a theme in our culture since the 50's, it was never on better display than in 80's action movie cinema. Even though it came to a head with the fall of the Berlin Wall, it lives on in the hearts of every child that grew up in the 80's. Maybe that's why the vague Eastern European bad guys in the Taken and Bourn movies are so damned appealing? They may not be backed by a government, but they are hairy, speak an indiscernible language we have to read in subtitles, and they're a threat to freedom!

Well I hope you enjoyed this little tongue in cheek post. I found it funny as hell and I had a really damn hard time narrowing the list to just a few gems. Honestly, I think I would break Blogger if I did a full post on this topic. So with that Dear Readers, I wish you a happy restful weekend and I want to remind you that there is no shame in working out to the smooth tunes of John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band's "Heart's On Fire." It got Rocky in shape to fight the Russian, it will help you lift logs, chop wood, lift nets full of rocks, and do a billion sit ups while suspended from the rafters of some rickety old shack!